How to hold a Grudge vs. The Art of Forgiveness

Spread the love

by Dean Unger & with thanks to Jenn Ashton, for her valuable contributions…

Forgiveness is the mental, and/or spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation or anger against another person for a perceived offense, difference or mistake. (Wikipedia.com) Mahatma Gandhi lived by these principles to the very end of his time here. This he demonstrated in profound fashion, in the forgiveness of his assassin, as he lay dying.

When it comes to knowing how to hold a grudge, it seems people have a natural ability. Learning the art of forgiveness, on the other hand, is a much more difficult skill to master.

Dr. Everett Worthington, a known lecturer and author on the subject of forgiveness, advocates actively recalling the hurt, in a measured way, to validate the feelings you have. It’s important to take the time and empathize with the emotions we are experiencing, to allow ourselves time to feel, to digest, and ultimately, move through them; we must commit to and hold onto forgiveness, in the same way that many people habitually hold on to hurts or misdeeds.

“We make the mistake of interpreting our emotions to be flighty, nebulous things, that spark and blaze like wildfires, waiting to be doused with validation of some kind.”

Dr. Guy Pettitt of New Zealand, provides a comprehensive set of materials on both the need and benefits of forgiveness, as well as suggesting that forgiveness is a process to be achieved. It’s not some nebulous reward that comes miraculously, of its own volition. These materials are available as a free download.

But how do we get to that place? For many, a lifetime of allowing a sense of rabid injustice to infect the wrong-doing that falls in our path, leads only to harbouring deep and damaging regret.

With all of this in mind, it’s also important to note that resolving forgiveness prematurely can harm our well-being. Thus “process” is applied to ensure recognition, anchoring, acknowledging and resolution of very real emotions, which effect our physiology in myriad ways. We make the mistake of interpreting our emotions to be flighty, nebulous things, that spark and blaze like wildfires, waiting to be doused with validation of some kind. As much as emotions do affect us in mysterious ways at times, they are legitimate “things”, brought about by a physiological bio-chemical process, involving endorphins and other power allies, to ensure their effect is noted.

“For many, a lifetime of allowing a sense of rabid injustice to infect the wrong-doing that falls in our path, leads only to harbouring deep and damaging regret.”

Marginalizing our emotions, or discounting, downplaying, or, for that matter, using them as weaponry in an attack, is to allow these emotions to burn at will, and create havoc, based upon some reactionary or learned response. This does not at all solve the realities of our interpersonal problems. Effective interpersonal communication is key. It’s an absolute necessity that we, to this point, could be doing more to ensure our children learn in a functional way as they grow. As it is, we teach them in a reactionary, often incendiary environment, that is founded upon the notion of competition as its underlying principle. It’s true these are the present conditions of life, but change for the better is a worthwhile notion.

“This skill set needs very much to be part of the long-term education of children, so that the ability to process emotional situations and relationships, and the ability to communicate in a meaningful way, becomes a way of life, a way of thinking – habitual, at best.”

Most world religions include teachings on the nature of forgiveness. As kids, we are often made to apologize when we offend the sensibilities of another, but we don’t really teach our kids the how or the why of it in a meaningful way. The need to forgive is widely recognized by the public, but most are often at a loss for ways to achieve it. The Gallup Organization, in a 1988 survey, found that 94% of representative Americans, said it was important to forgive; 85% said they needed some outside help to achieve it.

Clearly, with this, and other hurdles that stand in the way of true synergy and mutual understanding, tools and skill sets are required that we have not, to this point, done a great job of instilling in formative years.

This is not to discount the beneficient intentions of parents: bringing the subject up in passing at the dinner table, or during a well-intended lecture, is not enough. This skill set needs very much to be part of the long-term education of children, so that the ability to process emotional situations and relationships, and the ability to communicate in a meaningful way, becomes a way of life, a way of thinking – habitual, at best.

These are tools in the tool belt for the job of life. These are details that, as small or inconsequential as they might seem, their lasting effect over time – of one unresolved slight piled upon another, could potentially build a rampart of resentment and inward hostility that is unleashed upon the outer world.

It’s only been over the past two decades that this aspect of human psychology has garnered attention from psychologists and social psychologists. “Psychological papers and books on the subject did not begin to appear until the 1980’s. Prior to that time it was a practice primarily left to matters of faith,” http://psychology.wikia.com/wiki/Forgiveness. Already though, a consensus that forgiveness is indeed a process, and models describing that process, have been published since the 1980s.

Mahatma Gandhi lived by these and other humanitarian principles to the very end of his time here. This he demonstrated in profound fashion, in the forgiveness of his assassin, as he lay dying.

When Christian forgiveness is discussed, it is primarily within the context of God forgiving man. In his book, Balancing the Scales of Justice with Forgiveness and Repentance, ex-lay prison minister, Randall J. Cecrle, makes the point that both forgiveness and repentance focus on the satisfaction of justice, each one side, of the two-sided scales, that addresses the human need to have justice satisfied.

There is a general principle that runs through most branches of Buddhism, that forgiveness is a practice, or discipline; that by thoughtful application, can prevent negative thoughts and emotions from unleashing havoc on your well-being. To carry this logic further, Buddhist theology points out that feelings of hatred and ill-will leave a lasting effect on our minds and our perceptions, of what is happening to us and around us.

Kramer and Alstead, in their report (The Guru Papers) on faith-based ideals of forgiveness, that, while appearing selfless, many contain implicit selfish aspects. The report points out that, “when forgiving contains a moral component, there is moral superiority in the act itself, that can allow one to feel virtuous. As long as one judges the other to be lacking in some way, how much letting go can there be? Where the virtue in ‘moralistic foregiving’ lies is also complicated by the fact that it is often unclear who benefits more – the one doing the forgiving, or the one being forgiven.” They go on to acknowledge that, “for many people, forgiving is an area of confusion intellectually.”

“In contemplating the law of karma, we realize that it is not a matter of seeking revenge, but of practicing metta(?) and forgiveness; for the victimizer is, truly, the most unfortunate of all. When resentments have already arisen, the Buddhist view is to calmly proceed to release them by going back to their roots” – to the percieved slight or challenge, and reflect objectively. Buddhism centers on release from delusion and suffering through meditation and receiving insight into the nature of reality. If we haven’t forgiven, we keep creating an identity around our pain… That is what suffers.” (New World Encyclopedia.)

Further on that note, Buddhist thought upholds that Mettā (loving kindness), and karuna (compassion), mudita (sympathetic joy), and upekkhā (equanimity), are contemplated to understand the prevalence of suffering – and joy – in the world, whether our own or that which is experienced by others. Learning from others is, of course, the ideal, but often we suffer ourselves to learn it on our own.

The Buddhist philosophy is akin to what is known as “The Middle Way”. This is the premise that if we proceed and are mindful of the notion that there is a solution to every problem, and that we can use our “voice” and our “intention” to work with all parties concerned, to find a solution that works for all. Middle Way. Of course, sometimes concessions must be made, but when all parties come from a place of seeking to understand, cooperation and working together, this is a navigable challenge.

And finally, in the Mahabharata, in Addressing Dhritarashtra, Vidura said:

“There is one only defect in forgiving persons; that defect is that people take a forgiving person to be weak. For forgiveness is a great power. Forgiveness is a virtue of the weak, and an ornament of the strong. Forgiveness subdues (all) in this world; what is there that forgiveness cannot achieve? What can a wicked person do unto him who carries the sabre of forgiveness in his hand? Fire falling on the grassless ground is extinguished of itself. And unforgiving individual defiles himself with many enormities. Righteousness is the one highest good; and forgiveness is the one supreme peace; knowledge is one supreme contentment; and benevolence, one sole happiness.” (From the Mahabharata, Udyoga Parva Section XXXIII, Translated by Sri Kisari Mohan Gangul)